Top Ten Things A Department Store Santa Doesn't Want To Hear From Kids

Apparently he’s a saint… And we’re definitely not saying she might be cheating on you… But hey - why just not doublecheck on your wife? Here’s a helpful list of symptoms:

* Instead of cookies and milk, she leaves out a fifth of Scotch and edible panties.

* Comes home with tinsel stuck between her teeth and Claus marks on her back.

* Of the 200 presents for her under the tree, you bought three of them.

* Never very adventuresome in bed, she suddenly asks if you want to do it "reindeer style."

* Her picture is prominently featured on santasbitches.com.

Real Men don’t start shopping until December 23rd. Real Men also enjoy the challenge of rack-to-rack combat. Real Men will compete for parking spaces with the feistiest of blue-haired women in the biggest of cars. Real Men will not hesitate to remind retail elves with the vacant eyes of stone-cold killers that the customer is always right.
How can you tell Real Men from all those testosterone-deficient John Wayne wannabes out to just pick up a few last things? Listen and listen tight pilgrim:

1) Real Men never work from lists. They go on instinct.

2) Real Men don’t get all anal about stuff like style, color and size.

3) Real Men don’t hesitate to ask strange women what size they are.

4) Real Men have great difficulty deciding between the appliance and the necklace.

5) Real Men find nothing wrong with merchandise that has been handled more than Madonna.

10. "Remember me? I’m the kid with the weak bladder"

9. "You smell like supermarket gin"

8. "The real miracle on 34th Street would be if they accepted my mom’s MasterCard"

7. "I want a 2004 Pontiac Aztec"

6. "Oh, by the way, if I don’t get an X-Box, I’m gonna hunt you down, old man"

5. "I’m Jewish"

4. "I love you Kenny Rogers"

3. "Frankly I’m just here to humor my parents"

2. "While I’m talking to you, my mom is shoplifting blouses"

1. "Mom says you’re my real daddy"

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